


i'll meet you at the divide

by lostnthedream (falloutangel)



Series: a point where two worlds collide [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Dimensions, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Sex, Angst, Dimension Travel, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multiverse, Past Character Death, Sad Cuddling, why isn't that a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 00:53:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutangel/pseuds/lostnthedream
Summary: “Hyungwon,” Kihyun murmurs. He rests his head on the couch and his breathing has slowed slightly, no longer grasping at breath. “What are we back in your world?”“I told you, we’re in an idol group together.”“So just bandmates?”“No. Not just bandmates.”





	i'll meet you at the divide

**Author's Note:**

> kihyungwon bingo prompt: alternate dimensions
> 
> BINGO! I really hope you guys like this one, this is the hardest I've worked on a fic. It had lots of edits and rewrites, but I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments! 
> 
> Special thanks to my beta E <333

 

_I'll meet you at the divide_

_To break the spell_

_A point where two worlds collide_

_Yeah, we'll rebel_

 

_If I get high enough_

_If I get high enough, will I see you again?_

_(If I Get High - Nothing But Thieves)_

 

  
~~~

 

“What if I held the end note out a little longer?”

 

Hyungwon yawns, leaning back in the chair he’s sunken into. It’s late in the studio and technically he doesn’t need to be here anymore, but Hyungwon stays, listening to Kihyun rehearse in the recording booth.

 

New night, new song, new album. He finished recording hours ago, but Kihyun’s barely halfway through his portion of the song.

 

Standing in the recording booth, Kihyun is dressed in a dark hoodie, one that is definitely not his own based on the way the fabric drapes over him and the sleeves go past the tips of his fingers. Hyungwon almost smiles as he watches him repeatedly push up the sleeves as they fall pass his hands.

 

Hyungwon is slowly accepting the red mess that is now Kihyun’s hair, dyed a week ago for comeback preparations. His own appointment is incoming and he can almost feel the bleach already burning against his scalp. He’ll miss the low maintenance of dark hair.

 

Kihyun finishes his take with the small changes made, notes held strong and sturdy. The recording engineer gives him a “well done,” clicking around on the studio monitors.

 

Kihyun makes eye contact from the booth and raises his eyebrows. He has that pleased look on his face, the one that makes Hyungwon roll his eyes, but also smile.

 

He’s about to do that when his stomach suddenly twists horribly and his head shrieks in pain, making the room spin. He gasps, shutting his eyes and silent scream stuck in his throat as he feels like he’s falling - falling off the Earth, when he opens his eyes and is surrounded by traffic bustling and pedestrians pushing past him. A city as bright as day.

 

He stumbles to the side, shock stabbing through his chest. _Fuck, fuck, what the fuck_. He looks around frantically, head aching and black clouding the edges of his vision. People glance at him strangely and he backs away, stumbling panicked down a back alley. He puts his head against one of the brick walls, trying to take a step away from hyperventilating. His chest heaves, a twisted vibrating in his insides, like every molecule in him is telling him that this is _wrong_ ; he doesn’t _belong_ here.

 

He looks at his hands and they blur and focus in front of him. A panicked noise leaves his lips and he crouches down head resting on his knees, his heart racing.

 

_This is just a dream. A bizarre, fucked dream. Everything is fine. Everything is fine._

 

On shaky legs he stands up again, continuing to walk, repeating his mantra and emerging on another road, much quieter and calmer from the busy street he woke up in.

 

He looks up, seeing a familiar figure walking towards him down the street, so unexpected that he thinks his heart stops for a moment. _Kihyun_.

 

Relief mixes with the panic at the familiar face, but it dissolves when he realizes that this is _not_ the Kihyun that he knows.

 

Kihyun has several textbooks cradled in his arms and a bag slung over his shoulder. He’s wrapped in a dim gray sweater, fabric sagging past his waist and his fingers timidly peek out from the sleeves. His hair is slightly curly, bangs falling into his eyes and framing his face, dark brown - nothing like the bright red that he’s growing used to seeing day by day.

 

He looks up and gasps, freezing in place, books falling from his arms and to the ground when he sees Hyungwon in front of him, blatantly staring. Hyungwon sees the recognition flash in his face and he begins to feel hope again. Maybe this Kihyun _does_ know him.

 

Shocked brown eyes stare at him, running up and down his body.

 

“You’re not from here, are you?” Kihyun’s voice is small, unfamiliarly soft in Hyungwon’s ears. “-This universe,” he rephrases, watching Hyungwon’s face like he’s analyzing every inch.

 

“No,” he says, relief running through him because somehow this Kihyun knows that he doesn’t belong here, that something is wrong. He’s not without hope. “No, I’m not.”

 

Kihyun swallows, something flickering in his eyes. Disappointment? Sadness? Whatever it is, it’s gone in a flash and Kihyun hastily brushes some of the hair from his eyes.

 

Hyungwon stares, looking down at the spilled books and papers then back up to Kihyun’s face. He unfreezes, stooping down and picking them up and Kihyun follows, their hands brushing when the reach for a textbook.

 

“Is your name still Hyungwon?” Kihyun’s voice is quiet and thin like he’s leaving so much unsaid, and Hyungwon freezes unsure that Kihyun is even called ‘Kihyun’.

 

“Yeah,” he says, standing up, handing the other the books. “Kihyun?”

 

A hint smile appears on his face, which Hyungwon mirrors, and he can suddenly breathe again.

 

~

 

Kihyun brings Hyungwon back to his apartment. It’s sunlit and clean, just like any space that Hyungwon would see Kihyun living in. Maybe a little too clean. All the counters are shining and blankets are folded, no dirty dishes lie next to the sink. The air is sharp with the citrusy scent of cleanser.

 

Hyungwon runs his fingers along the table, observing the rather blank space.

 

Even with Kihyun’s cleaning sprees back home, their dorm has always felt well lived in, like a home. There was always the hint of the hustle and bustle of their life, even in his best efforts. Kihyun has said before that he’s held back in cleaning out of respect for the other’s space.

 

“We’ve been experiencing this for about a month” Kihyun explains, setting his stuff down on the kitchen table. “The tear in our dimension will sporadically glitch and bring people here from other universes.”

 

“So I’m a glitch?” Hyungwon asks, trying to wrap his head around the idea that he’s just randomly been taken to another dimension.

 

“I suppose. If you’re worried about getting home, don’t. It usually fixes itself within a week. Glitches never last long.”

 

Kihyun pauses, looking at Hyungwon. “You can usually see it from my bedroom window,” Kihyun says, motioning Hyungwon to follow him.

 

“See what?”

 

“The tear,” Kihyun answers, grabbing his arm and pulling him down the hall to a door, turning the knob and pushing inside.

 

Kihyun’s bedroom echoes the rest of his apartment. Organized, but empty. Like there should be more things in the space. A bed that seems too big for the small man sits in the center of the wall.

 

Hyungwon follows Kihyun to the large window that looks out across the city. Kihyun points out, but his finger doesn’t touch the glass.

 

“You have to look a little, but there’s the part of the sky… it twists in an odd way. Like a glitch in reality.”

 

Hyungwon tries to follow Kihyun’s gaze, looking up at the cloudy sky, not even sure what he’s looking for.

 

But then he sees it, and he knows what it is because it feels the same _wrong_ in his chest that he did when he came here. It feels just like Kihyun said, a glitch in reality. While it mirrors it’s surrounding, the shape is off, like a black hole sucking in the sky. It twists uncomfortably and makes Hyungwon’s breath catch so he has to look away, hand finding the window sill.

 

“I feel sick,” he groans. “It’s like how it felt to be brought here.”

 

Kihyun rubs his shoulder. “Don’t worry, it’ll go away soon. Hungry?”

 

~

 

“So,” Kihyun starts, serving Hyungwon a bowl of kimchi stew. “Who am I in your world?”

 

Hyungwon brings the bowl closer. “Well, we’re in an idol group together.”

 

Kihyun snorts, sitting down across from him at the small kitchen table. “You’re joking, an idol group?”

 

“Dead serious. I was literally listening to you record your parts for a new song when I was…” Hyungwon gestures, not knowing how to describe what had happened.

 

Kihyun looks down at his food, stirring it around, but not eating. “So, I’m… a singer?”

 

Hyungwon nods, swallowing his food. “The best that I know, actually. You’re our main vocalist.” The thought of Kihyun not singing in this universe twists his stomach and he looks up the other. “Do you not sing?”

 

Kihyun looks up from his bowl, feeling Hyungwon’s stare. “I used to,” he shrugs, looking back down.

 

Hyungwon wants to press on, but the other seems to have shrunk in the last few moments. Hyungwon is suddenly brought to the realization that as well as he thinks he knows Kihyun - _his_ Kihyun - that the man in front of him is akin to a stranger; albeit a stranger with a very familiar face.

 

This Kihyun is probably already aware of this, which is maybe why he’s been more cautious of Hyungwon than Hyungwon has been of him.

 

“Your hair is red, too,” he moves on, hoping for a lighter topic. “You’re like a little tomato.”

 

A small smile fights its way on Kihyun’s face. “A little tomato?”

 

Seeing the smile gives Hyungwon some satisfaction, knowing he can cheer up the Kihyun from another universe as well. This Kihyun isn’t like his, smiles rarely come by.

 

“I dyed it purple once.” Kihyun runs his hand through his brown curls. “You - I mean _other_ you - called me a little grape.”

 

Hyungwon chews thoughtfully, definitely not expecting Kihyun to fondly look back on being called any synonym of ‘small’, almost always used as an antagonistic joke with _his_ Kihyun. However, Kihyun’s small smile has turned a little stiff, and Hyungwon wanted to bring it back again to life again.

 

“So do you think the Chae Hyungwon from this universe switched with me?” he asks, trying to joke, but the broken way Kihyun looks at him makes him freeze, once again unsure of how to talk to the man in front of him.

 

Then Hyungwon blinks and Kihyun is a blank wall again. Much like the walls that surround them. He tries to smile again as he shrugs. “Maybe. You never know when you’re dealing with a tear in time and space.”

 

Nodding, Hyungwon watches as he gets up from the table going back to the kitchen with his nearly full bowl. “You keep eating. I’m going to clean the kitchen.”

 

~

 

It shouldn’t surprise Hyungwon, but Yoo Kihyun in every universe is a stubborn mule.

 

“I have no problem sleeping on the couch. I can sleep anywhere.”

 

“Nope. Multi-dimensional travel is exhausting on the body,” Kihyun argues, putting up with none of Hyungwon’s protests. “You need some good rest if you want going back to be as smooth as it was getting here. So you get the bed.”

 

He sits on the bed, out of energy to protest as Kihyun putts around the room. He disappears into the closet for a moment, leaving Hyungwon alone.

 

A moment later he emerges with some clothes in his hands.  “These should fit you,” Kihyun says, he puts them on the dresser, hand lingering on the stack for just a second.

 

“Thanks,” Hyungwon says, getting up out of the large bed.

 

“I’m going to take a shower, so just… make yourself comfortable.” The smile Kihyun gives him seems a little forced and Hyungwon lets him disappear in the bathroom without a comment.

 

He reaches for the stack of clothes and is surprised that Kihyun was right. He hadn’t imagined that any of the other’s clothes would fit him well, but pants are long enough to reach his feet and the sleep shirt is still baggy on him, just how he likes them.

 

Still hearing the shower from the bathroom he takes the time to do a little bit of snooping, indulging his curious side a little.

 

He peeks in the closet, and there’s an open box on the floor aside from all of the clothes on the hangers (mostly sweaters). The box has an ‘H’ scrawled on the side and there are more clothes inside, folded up neatly. In the back corner, there are more boxes stacked up too, all with an ‘H’ scribbled on them.

 

He closes the closet door, moving on. The desk is pretty boring. Some more textbooks are stacked to the side with some plants and stationary. The textbooks are about art and design, one titled _The History of Photography_ settled on top. These were the ones that he was carrying when Hyungwon stumbled across him. In the drawers, there’s more papers and forms. In one he finds a polaroid camera and some old disposable cameras, extra film canisters.

 

He gets to the bedside table, pulling open the top drawer and then suddenly he’s staring at himself. Or his alternate universe self.

 

Carefully, he takes out a framed photo of himself and Kihyun from where rests on the top of the other items in the drawer, holding it up to see it.

 

In the photo he has his arm around Kihyun’s shoulder, Kihyun pulled close to his chest. Kihyun is resting his head against this other Hyungwon’s chest, receiving a kiss to the top of his head. A smile quirks this other Hyungwon’s lips, peeking out from behind the fluffy hair.

 

Kihyun looks happy. Warm.

 

In love.

 

He hears a random bang from the bathroom and he hastily puts the photograph away, shutting the drawer.

 

He watches the bathroom door for a moment, tense, but it doesn’t open. He relaxes his shoulders and feels the exhaustion of the day weigh down on him. He sits on the bed, observing the emptiness of the large room, wondering if the other Hyungwon had a presence that made the carefully organized space seem more full.

 

Traces of this other Hyungwon are hidden and small, and Kihyun’s barely said two words on him.

 

The image of the photo stays in his mind as he lays down on the bed, staring at the wall. He notices that there are nails embedded into the wall, ghosts of missing photos reminding him of all the hidden memories that weigh on this place.

 

Who was the Chae Hyungwon from this universe? And where was he?

 

~

 

When he’s alone and settled for the night, Kihyun safely away in the living room, he reaches for the lamp on the side table, turning it on, once again opening the drawer.

 

He takes out the picture frame and turns his attention to the other objects. He pulls out a glasses case, a bottle of hand lotion and a small, but a thick booklet. Upon further investigation, it’s a photo album.

 

He swallows, hand tracing the edge of the album before opening it, taking a breath to try to relieve the tightening in his chest. He opens the cover and his eyes are immediately drawn to the small message scripted on the inside.

 

He glances up at the door, suddenly feeling incredibly invasive, digging his long fingers into this Kihyun’s life. Pushing away the itching guilt, his eyes fall back down to the message.

 

_I know that you’re the photographer out of the two of us, but I tried my best for you. Happy second anniversary, Ki. I love you._

_~H_

 

A couple. For at least two years. So why was all of this hidden in a drawer? Bad break up?

 

He dismisses that idea. This isn’t just shoved away in any drawer. It’s in his bedside table. A place for him to have quick access to. It’s a place to put things you use before bed or when you wake up in the morning. It’s not kept there to be out of sight.

 

Unless it was a memory that he didn’t want to be reminded of casually. He needed to think of it. Open the drawer. Pull out the photos.

 

The spiral of thoughts get him nowhere, so Hyungwon stops thinking, moving past the first page into the photos.

 

Paging through the photo album he’s shown glimpses of Kihyun and Hyungwon from this world through the pictures. Carefully chosen and put together, pages lined with polaroids and small messages.

 

He still recognizes his slightly clumsy hand when it comes to meticulous things like photography. The shots are far from professional, but it’s cute. Most of them are candid’s of Kihyun, some selfies of the two of them, others were taken by a third party, little messages and dates scribbled in Hyungwon’s handwriting underneath them.

 

There’s one of Kihyun painting the walls of what Hyungwon recognizes as the living room without any furniture, some boxes stacked up behind him. _‘Our first apartment’_ is written underneath.

 

There’s one of the two of them walking ahead of whoever has the camera, hands clasped between them. Hyungwon can’t help but smile at their uneven shoulders and the way that they lean into each other like two magnets being pulled together.

 

Halfway through there’s another message, one that leaves the rest of the album for Kihyun to complete for himself, and Hyungwon immediately sees Kihyun’s careful eye taking place in the photo compositions.

 

The first few pages of Kihyun’s pictures are filled with Hyungwon, posed and arranged in scenery.

 

As the pages progress the album seemed to become a mutual effort, both Kihyun and Hyungwon adding photos and messages.

 

Kihyun’s purple hair appears in a polaroid of them at a cafe, surely enough titled _‘my little grape’_ in Hyungwon’s hand. It’s a good color on him, Hyungwon observes, thinking about possibly suggesting it to Kihyun back home.

 

Four more pages in and it’s a picture of Kihyun with his blinding grin, dimples digging deep into the tops of his cheeks. He’s holding up his hand, silver band shining on his ring finger. _‘Forever ahead.’_

 

It makes Hyungwon stop and stare, taking in the happiness from the photo. This is the Kihyun he knows. Smiles too wide and joy so loud.

 

_Fíance_. Hyungwon tries to imagine a time back in his world where he and Kihyun could be committed and promised to each other, having never entertained the thought before with the life that they live.

 

Hyungwon’s glad that there’s a world where they were given a chance.

 

The next few polaroids are engagement photos, but then they stop, at least a fourth of the album left empty. His finger brushed over the last date in the corner; it was dated five months ago.

 

Was Kihyun wearing a ring today? Hyungwon doesn’t think so, looking back at the picture, examining the small silver band inlaid with tiny sparkling gems. He’s certain that he would have noticed it on Kihyun’s hand.

 

Closing the album, he careful arranges everything back in the bedside drawer. Adjusting to lay down, Hyungwon’s hit with a sudden wave of nausea, the same feeling he felt when he stared into the tear in the sky.

 

He clenches his hands at his midsection, eyes squinting shut, taking a deep breath, trying to ease away the invading feelings. Maybe getting some water will help, he thinks, slipping out of bed, grimacing.

 

He cracks the door open silently, slipping out into the kitchen. He hears something coming from the living room, where Kihyun is supposed to be asleep on the couch.

 

Slowly he peeks his head around to the entrance of the living room. Kihyun is sat, legs brought up, head in his knees. His shoulders shake and Hyungwon hears what he realizes are now quiet sobs that escape him.

 

It makes Hyungwon freeze, the nausea in his stomach ebbing away.

 

“Kihyun?” he whispers.

 

The other looks up with a gasp and hastily wipes the tears on his face, but it’s like seeing the taller suddenly makes another wave hit.

 

Unable to just stand and watch anymore, he does what he would do with his Kihyun, he grabs a blanket, wraps it around his smaller figure, hoping that it’ll add some kind of layer protection. He sits down next to him and Kihyun half cries into his shoulder, half into the blanket.

 

“I-I wasn’t honest with you,” Kihyun cries. Concerned, Hyungwon rubs his shoulder, knowing he’s missing pieces of the story, the unfinished photo album fresh in his mind.

 

Kihyun’s voice is muffled and wracked with sobs, but the words keep tumbling from his mouth. “The rip doesn’t- just grab random people. It only takes people who it thinks it needs to fill in the gap. It senses they’re gone and it tries to fill the space.”

 

“People who are gone?”

 

“Dead,” Kihyun chokes, and Hyungwon’s heart freezes.

 

Suddenly it all comes together. The boxes of clothes that are Hyungwon’s size. The empty house and the bed that’s too big. The unfinished photo album. Memories that are packed away. The reason why Kihyun’s smiles are shadows compared to the blinding grins he’s used to, or the ones that show in the pictures in his drawer.

 

Empty house. Empty walls.

 

Dead. This Chae Hyungwon is dead.

 

“Five months ago… he had a heart attack at the studio. A normal, boring, workday. A _Tuesday_. He was _twenty-three_ years old and his heart just-” Kihyun’s breathing stutters and the pain washes over his face. “-stopped.”

 

“He got rushed to the hospital, but they couldn’t save him.” Kihyun chokes back a sob, hands fisting in the blanket. “One of his co-workers called me and told me what had happened, but by the time I got there he was already…”

 

“Thinking about it… it’s still so strange. Nothing felt real. Not for weeks. Maybe even months.” Kihyun looks at Hyungwon. “Now it doesn’t feel real again.”

 

Hyungwon sits in shock, trying to comprehend what it would feel like to have someone be taken so suddenly, so unexpectedly. He can’t even begin to imagine.

 

Hyungwon hesitantly puts a hand on Kihyun’s shoulder, hoping to give the smallest bit of comfort. “None of this feels real to me either,” he says, wondering if it would be welcome if he reaches up and wipes away the tears on Kihyun’s face.

 

Kihyun sniffs, nodding. “I can’t imagine that it would. When the tear appeared over a month ago, a part of me knew that it could happen - you coming back. But actually seeing you…”

 

Kihyun chokes off his words, burying his face in his hands again.

 

“You said that he worked at a studio?” Hyungwon gently asks. He can’t help but be curious about his alternative life, and if it helps Kihyun get distracted, Hyungwon sees no cons.

 

Kihyun nods, rubbing his face with his sleeve. “Yeah, he was a producer. Songwriter. Really anything that they needed him to be…”

 

“He would ask me to sing for him,” Kihyun says, his eyes taking on a painful wistfulness. “He would write songs for me to sing as guides of his songs for the artists at the company. He was so talented…”

 

Hyungwon listens, rubbing at Kihyun’s boney shoulder as he spins a web of words describing his lover.

 

“He sounds great,” Hyungwon says.

 

Kihyun looks over at him, tracing over his face, eyes filled with raw grief that chills Hyungwon’s bones, wondering how Kihyun’s lived for the past half a year. Seeing such pain on his face makes Hyungwon’s insides curdle and ache, desperately searching for a way to make it better.

 

“He was,” Kihyun whispers, red-rimmed eyes, searching Hyungwon’s face. Hyungwon swallows, not daring to look away.

 

“Hyungwon,” Kihyun murmurs, sniffling. He rests his head on the couch, his breathing has slowed slightly, no longer grasping at breath. “What are we back in your world?”

 

“I told you, we’re in a group together.”

 

“So just bandmates?”

 

Kihyun’s eyes are open and honest, and Hyungwon has to stop and think, because _no_. No, they aren’t just group members.

 

He and Hyungwon get nothing more than that longing, lonely pull in their chests, cast gazes, and barely brushing hands. Kihyun is an enigma to him. One that makes his heart burn and his head spin. Kihyun is fiery passion and strength - someone who will never put himself in front of the group - no matter the cause.

 

The thought of something more, but never the reality of it - he and Kihyun have even spoken of it. The night when they both just went slightly past tipsy on the final night of their world tour and fucked in Hyungwon’s hotel room, bumping against furniture and leaving marks where they shouldn’t.

 

It was when Kihyun was too skinny for Hyungwon to look at without feeling a pang in his chest, noticing how easily his skin bruised when he pressed in his thumbs a little too hard. It was when they gave everything for one night, pressing into each other and pulling each other apart.

 

Even with his judgment drowned in alcohol, Kihyun had told him that it couldn’t happen again, not when they had gained so much and had so much to lose.

 

(Not when it meant also bringing down the family that they had created; a family that relied on them as much as they relied on each other.)

 

Kihyun had the strength to put others first that Hyungwon didn’t. He had the strength to push away Hyungwon’s hands and pull away from his kisses. Hyungwon wanted too much. He wanted to kiss him, hold him- he just wanted _Kihyun_.

 

They both know they’re more than friends, but they can’t be anything but.

 

“Not just bandmates,” he finally says, letting himself have that at least. This Kihyun watches him, seeing the conflict in his face.

 

What Hyungwon truly wants is to be unapologetic about his feelings without consequence. Unfortunately, that doesn’t lend well with the life he’s chosen to live.

 

However, with _this_ Kihyun so close, there’s barely anything he can do to stop himself. Here, there are no cameras. Here, there are no Monsta X. Here, Kihyun can be his without punishment, even if it’s only for a second.

 

His head lowers slightly, leaning closer to Kihyun. His eyes flicker from his dark brown eyes to his pink lips, biting his unconsciously. Kihyun’s eyes watch, not pulling away, but not moving closer.

 

“Where you’re from you can’t have him,” Kihyun says, and Hyungwon can smell the minty flavor of his toothpaste on his breath.

 

“No,” he breathes, and their noses are so close that they softly brush against each other, causing Kihyun’s breath to catch, but he doesn’t pull away. He stays, breathing slightly hitched and eyes watching Hyungwon’s every move.

 

“Can I have you?”

 

Kihyun shivers, biting his lip, eyes flickering down to Hyungwon’s lips and back to meet his eyes.

 

If Hyungwon had to pick one word to describe the look in Kihyun’s eyes it would be vulnerable. He sees the loss and pain, but also the longing and ache for touch - the ache of relief.

 

Eyes fluttering closed, Kihyun closes the small distance between them. Hyungwon’s eyes also slide shut as he feels the gentle press of Kihyun’s lips against his own. The kiss is hesitant and cautious, completely unlike anything he’d expect from his Kihyun.

 

(When they kissed it was like a blazing wildfire, done with being contained and ready to explode.)

 

But this isn’t about the Kihyun he left behind in his universe. This Kihyun is different and if he needs Hyungwon to push him and coax him out of his shell, he’s ready to do that.

 

Hyungwon presses back into the kiss with more confidence, hands moving to Kihyun’s waist, taking over, pressing down, and he feels Kihyun’s hesitance melt away like wax over a fire.

 

Kihyun welcomes Hyungwon’s intrusion with grace, letting him assault his mouth, hands pressing against the other’s chest, slowly moving up to grip at his shoulders.

 

Hyungwon bites down on Kihyun’s bottom lip and Kihyun whines deliciously, adjusting so he’s closer, feeling more and more. Hyungwon himself feels like he’s flying, the world around him disappearing as he’s finally allowed to feel his fantasies in real life. Here Hyungwon is free.

 

“Can we-” Kihyun pants between kisses, pulling at Hyungwon’s shirt.

 

“Yes,” Hyungwon replies, pulling them up off the couch and to the bedroom. Hyungwon pulls the shirt up over his head and climbs Kihyun back onto the bed, sitting down, turning around to look back at him.

 

When Kihyun meets Hyungwon’s eyes, it’s full of heat and longing and Hyungwon can’t even hesitate for a second.

 

They crash into each other, both too desperate for their own good, Hyungwon attacking Kihyun’s mouth, Kihyun’s hands running up his back and into his hair, fingers tangling in the brown strands. Their bodies press against each other, and heat shoots down Hyungwon’s spine as he feels Kihyun’s body under him.

 

Hyungwon becomes impatient with Kihyun’s shirt, pushing up at the fabric, Kihyun moves so Hyungwon can pull it over his head. Hyungwon immediately travels down, sucking at his collarbones, hands wandering down and brushing against his nipples. Kihyun takes a sharp intake of breath, fingers gripping Hyungwon’s hair.

 

“The stuff is in the bottom drawer,” Kihyun pants.

 

Hyungwon lifts his head, nodding and moves off of Kihyun to the edge of the bed, pulling open the second drawer on the bedside table. The lube is right at the top and Hyungwon grabs it.

 

Kihyun takes the time to shimmy out of his sleep shorts, legs falling open tantalizingly to accommodate him. He wraps his legs around his waist as he moves back, pulling him right back to Kihyun’s mouth.

 

Pouring some lube on his fingers, he reaches down and rubs against Kihyun’s entrance, fingers gentle prodding at his rim.

 

Kihyun shudders as Hyungwon’s fingers open him up, meeting Hyungwon’s eyes briefly before his eyes once again clench shut, a high moan falling from his gaping mouth.

 

Hyungwon is thankful that it’s brief because it’s vulnerable looking into Kihyun’s eyes, knowing he’s someone who Kihyun has lost. Kihyun looks at him like he’s afraid he’s going to disappear if blinks a second too long.

 

“I’m ready,” Kihyun whispers, and Hyungwon eases out his long fingers. Kihyun whimpers and Hyungwon rubs his thigh soothingly, kissing at his knee before leaning back over to the drawer to stack on condoms.

 

Hyungwon feels a hand grab his arm and Kihyun is staring up at him. “Don’t,” he whispers, pulling Hyungwon back. “I want to feel-” Kihyun cuts himself off, but Hyungwon can see a wet sheen covering his eyes.

 

“Please,” he finishes, swallowing thickly.

 

Slowly, Hyungwon nods, moving back over Kihyun and he suddenly feels like he’s touching glass. Kihyun’s eyes are black and starry, gazing up at Hyungwon like he’s hung the moon.

 

When Hyungwon pushes in Kihyun’s eyes clench shut, a choked cry coming from his lips. Hyungwon sees a soft trail of tears slipping out of the corners of Kihyun’s eyes, down the sides of his face.  

 

Hyungwon’s eyes widen, stopping his movement, hand moving to brush away at the tears. “Kihyun, what-”

 

“Don’t stop,” he begs, eyes open and pleading. His legs tangle around Hyungwon’s waist to keep him from pulling away. He pulls him deeper, clenching around him and Hyungwon moans, breathing harshly onto Kihyun’s neck. “Don’t stop. Please, _please_ , don’t stop.”

 

Hesitantly, scared he’s hurting him, Hyungwon slowly moves, watching Kihyun’s face twist in desperation. He gives a broken whine, fingernails raking down Hyungwon’s back.

 

“More. Please, _more_.”

 

Desperation is something that he’s familiar with when it comes to his Kihyun. Hyungwon’s first time with him was full of it. Greedy hands and hungry mouths - two starving forces colliding.

 

As Hyungwon holds Kihyun close, feeling hands harshly grip his shoulders, he realizes that this is a different kind of desperation.

 

Kihyun wants to be broken apart, torn up to be stitched back together. He wants to feel too much all at once. He wants Hyungwon to destroy him.

 

He swallows. He’s never been able to refuse Kihyun.

 

He picks up his pace, hands tangling in Kihyun’s curly hair. Hyungwon kisses him roughly, swallowing his cries and he fucks him deep, hips thrusting fast and hard.

 

Kihyun’s back arches underneath him, hand shooting out to grip the sheets, moaning against Hyungwon’s mouth, cries breaking through.

 

“Fuck, Kihyun,” Hyungwon groans, heat sweeping his body when Kihyun clenches down around him.

 

Kihyun’s small noises hit with every thrust, pulling at the need in Hyungwon’s stomach, making his skin hot. Fingers hooking under Kihyun’s knees, he pushes Kihyun’s thighs closer to his chest. The change causes Kihyun to gasp, hands shooting out to grab at the sheets. “ _There_. Right there.” His cries become louder, more desperate as Hyungwon repeatedly hits his spot.

 

Hyungwon feels himself nearing the edge, the heat building up too much.

 

“ _Won_ ,” Kihyun keens, “I’m close, _please_.”

 

“Me too,” he grunts, hips stuttering as he tries to pull them both over the edge. “Where do you want-”

 

Kihyun wraps his arms around Hyungwon’s neck, bringing their foreheads together, lips brushing, harsh breathes colliding. “Come inside me,” Kihyun pleads, and the words are the final catalyst and Hyungwon falls, Kihyun following right after with a cry.

 

Hyungwon lays over him, face buried in Kihyun’s neck, breathing heavily and head spinning with lingering pleasure. He feels Kihyun’s arms fall limp around his neck, no longer tight and grasping. He presses light kisses on Kihyun’s bared neck before lifting himself up, slowly pulling out of the Kihyun, who whimpers at the loss.

 

Hyungwon settles down beside him, limbs too spent to even think about getting up right now. Kihyun curls inward towards him, cuddling in against his chest.

 

“We were engaged.” Kihyun’s breath is soft against Hyungwon’s skin, causing a wave of goosebumps to travel down his arms.

 

“I’m sorry,” Hyungwon whispers into the night, into the wreckage of the sheets. “Kihyun, I’m so sorry.”

 

~~~

 

Hyungwon gets addicted.

 

Days pass and Kihyun laugh becomes unburdened, tugging on Hyungwon’s arm as they walk the city and Hyungwon is pulled along with a smile gently tugging on his lips.

 

Being in love with Kihyun feels like the sun on a warm spring day. Hyungwon lets it lull him with warm comfort, filling his chest with cherry blossoms.

 

Without the threat of cameras or his career falling to pieces all his love for the older is like second nature - reaching out to brush the hair from his eyes, holding his hand, hold him like he always dreamed of. Hyungwon can kiss him eagerly as a movie plays in the background in the sunset lit living room, painting Kihyun’s brown hair with an orange glow - one that’s almost reminiscent to Kihyun’s hair back in his world. With Kihyun, Hyungwon gets the relationship he’s always dreamed of.

 

He learns his way around Kihyun’s body until he knows it better than his own, spending hours of a day feeling each other, lazily kissing and hands roaming with no boundaries.

 

Hyungwon makes a mission to draw out every moan and cry from Kihyun’s lips. In a distant thought, he thinks that they may be more beautiful than any song ever Kihyun’s sung, especially when it’s _his_ name curled on the smaller man’s tongue, crying out broken and overwhelmed.

 

“I’ve only had three days with you and I can’t imagine living without you again,” Kihyun whispers against Hyungwon’s bare chest.

 

With a chill, Hyungwon remembers Kihyun’s own words. _Glitches never last long._

 

He holds onto him a little tighter tonight because he’s not sure how he’ll live without this either.

 

~

 

Normally, Hyungwon wakes up and falls asleep _at least_ three more times before it sticks, but the voices coming from the kitchen alert his ears, shaking the sleep from his head, recognition singing in his chest. _Hoseok_.

 

He slips out from under the covers, pulling on a shirt out of the ‘H’ box in the closet. He’s found his other self had very good taste in comfortable clothes.

 

He cracks the door open, slipping out. Their words are now more than just muffled sounds and he can hear them clearly.

 

“...and have you been taking your pills?”

 

“Hoseok, please now really isn’t a good time-” Kihyun’s words catching in his mouth and they both freeze when Hyungwon appears in their vision.

 

Hoseok’s mouth is open wide, eyes scanning over Hyungwon like he’s come back from the dead. He supposes he has.

 

“You-” Hoseok’s eyes are wide and glistening, and he steps toward him cautiously like he’s afraid that one wrong move will make him disappear. “You’re really here.”

 

Hyungwon nods and glances at Kihyun, who watches cautiously from the side. His eyes look tired and his shoulders look heavy today. Hyungwon wonders if he got any sleep last night.

 

“Minhyuk said that he saw you… but I…” Hoseok looks him up and down, biting his lip to hold back his choked up voice.

 

“Had to see it to believe it?” Hyungwon finishes, smiling hesitantly at the older.

 

Hoseok swallows, nodding. He looks like he’s about to explode so Hyungwon steps forward, hoping that this Hoseok is everything like the one back home, and pulls him in for a hug.

 

Hyungwon’s intuition was right, and this Hoseok latches onto his thin body like a vice, burying his face into his neck and shoulder. “Hyungwon, I can’t believe-” Hyungwon can feel the tears start to seep into his shirt and he just continues holding on, rubbing his wide back.

 

“It’s been so hard,” Hoseok cries, sniffling. “Losing you was _so hard_.”

 

Hyungwon looks up at Kihyun over Hoseok’s shoulder. The smaller is holding himself in his arms, lost look in his eyes. Sometimes Kihyun looks like he’s made of brittle bones and paper skin. He’s held together with only the smallest bit of will, a flame that threatens to flicker out with a breath.  

 

He seems to notice that the taller is watching him and he comes back to life, straightening up and barely meeting Hyungwon’s eyes.

 

Sighing, Kihyun walks up to them and places a hand on Hoseok’s shoulder, squeezing it. At the touch Hoseok pulls away and meets Hyungwon’s eyes, giving a watery smile. He turns to Kihyun and then engulfs him in a hug as well.

 

Kihyun makes a startled sound, but returns it, resting his head lightly on the wider man’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Hoseok. I’m okay,” he says softly in his ears, gently pulling away.

 

Hyungwon smiles at the interaction, but then watches the large baggy t-shirt Kihyun’s wearing slip to the side, revealing a dark, mottled bruise on his collarbone. A dark mark Hyungwon left just the other day while they were making out on the couch.

 

He sees Hoseok’s eyes flicker down and narrow, something dangerous flickering in his eyes that makes Hyungwon stiffen.

 

“Can I get you anything?” Kihyun asks, still touching Hoseok’s shoulder. “I still have some of the tea you like in the cabinet.”

 

Hoseok smiles again. “That would be great, thank you.”

 

Kihyun goes into the kitchen and Hoseok turns to him. Hyungwon isn’t getting the warm energy from before when he looks at him. He smiles, but it seems like a warning.

 

“Come on, let’s go sit,” Hoseok says, guiding Hyungwon into the living room like he hasn’t been living here almost a week.

 

“So, what’s it like traveling from an alternate universe?” Hoseok asks, all traces of the previous breakdown seem undetectable if it weren’t for the red-rimmed eyes.

 

“Oh, um… it was definitely an adjustment.”

 

“Is Kihyun there?” Hoseok asks. “In your universe?”

 

Hyungwon’s brow furrows. “Yes… he is.”

 

“Okay, so when you go back you get to have your own Kihyun back with you,” Hoseok says, summing up Hyungwon’s story. Hoseok’s eyes pin him down like arrows piercing his skin, picking him apart for reasons he doesn’t even know.

 

“Well, I…. yes?”

 

“Okay, well you need to remember that when you leave that this Kihyun doesn’t have you.”  

 

Hyungwon looks at Hoseok with a question in his eyes.

 

Hoseok laughs sharply. “What? Did you think that this was just going to be some fun adventure? Come here, have a fling, then go back to your life like nothing happened here?”

 

“I didn’t choose to come here,” Hyungwon retorts, struggling to defend against the sudden bite of Hoseok’s words.

 

“But you chose to stay here, in this apartment. You chose to treat Kihyun as a toy for you to have your fun with, fully knowing that you would be leaving. Leaving him to deal with the aftermath.”

 

Hyungwon reels back, shocked at the accusations suddenly being thrown at him. “ _No_ , that’s not what-”

 

“How long?” Hoseok interrupts, leaning forward slightly. “I saw the bruise, how long did it take you to fuck him?”

 

Hyungwon’s mouth goes dry at the question. The scratches on his back suddenly sting under his long sleeve.

 

“How long.”

 

“The first night,” he says, swallowing the shame that’s crawling up his throat.

 

Hoseok presses his lips together in a line and Hyungwon can barely meet his eyes, shame building in his stomach.

 

“Did he tell you about Hyungwon? _His_ Hyungwon?”

 

Hyungwon nods.

 

“So you knew that they were together for years, engaged and that Kihyun just lost him.”

 

“Yes,” Hyungwon forces out, closing his eyes.

 

“And you sit here defending yourself to me when you’ve been doing exactly what I’ve said you had.”

 

“Yes, but you’re acting like I’m the only one who’s made decisions here,” Hyungwon retorts. “Kihyun never said no to any of this!”

 

“No, but you’re not just anyone, are you?” Hoseok gives a dead laugh. “No, you’re the man with my dead best friend’s face. His voice.” Hoseok looks him up and down. “You wear his clothes and walk around in his body. You’re the _one thing_ that Kihyun could never say no to.”

 

Hyungwon feels sick again, deep twisting in his gut. Hoseok swallows, leaning closer.

 

“Even when his Hyungwon was alive, Kihyun could never say no to him. He dropped out of school for him, worked full time so Hyungwon could pursue his music thing, setting aside his own dreams for the person he loved the most, _but_ he was happy. So, I never said anything. Now, for once in his life, he’s actually been putting himself first. He was beginning to move on.” He shakes his head. “Do you know the _hell_ that these last few months have been?”

 

Heavy rocks fill Hyungwon’s chest because he doesn’t. Not even close. Facing his dead alternate self is the closest he’s been to death since his grandfather died when he was ten. Losing someone so close…

 

He swallows, shaking his head.

 

Hoseok opens his mouth to say more when Kihyun appears in the door, balancing several things in his hands.

 

Jumping up, Hoseok moves to help, his mood shifting in a flash. “What did you do in there, make a whole meal?” Hoseok jokes, taking the bowls balanced on Kihyun’s right arm.

 

“Well, I know you have work today and I also know that you haven’t eaten. You probably came here instead, like the idiot you are,” Kihyun nags, but there’s no bite to his words. In fact, it makes Hoseok smile even more. “Don’t even bother denying it.”

 

“Ah, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok chuckles, but also doesn’t correct him.

 

They place them down on the coffee table. Hoseok ruffles Kihyun’s hair affectionately and Kihyun frowns and pushes his hand away. Hoseok goes straight for the bowl of ramen; Hyungwon thinks it’s nice to know that some things don’t change.

 

In fact, the two of them seem eerily similar to the pair back at home. It’s clear that they’re close. Very close.

 

Back home, Hoseok’s relationship with Kihyun used to intimidate Hyungwon. It seemed like no matter how much he thought he knew Kihyun, Hoseok was always a step ahead, sometimes even understanding Kihyun more than Kihyun did himself.

 

Kihyun told him that he used to feel the same about him and Minhyuk. And then they both laughed at each other.

 

Here, Hoseok has clearly taken the role as Kihyun’s protector, his support. It’s honestly a relief because Hyungwon is worried - worried about what Kihyun will do once he’s gone, back in an empty house, weighed down by another loss.

 

Kihyun laughs when Hoseok burns his tongue and Hyungwon hopes that Hoseok can help lift that burden from Kihyun’s tired shoulders.

 

~~~

 

That afternoon the apartment is quiet, but Hoseok’s words still bounce around Hyungwon’s head.

 

_Was_ he taking advantage of Kihyun? Were Hoseok’s accusations true?

 

He thinks of the happiness that’s surrounded Kihyun in the last few days and feels unsure. Over a few days Hyungwon has seen a transformation, but could this really end up only hurting Kihyun more?

 

He hears Kihyun begin to bustle around in the kitchen, starting dinner. Hyungwon hopes he’ll actually eat most of it tonight. He wanders into the kitchen and sees Kihyun by the stove with a cute little apron tied around his waist.

 

“I made you your favorite tea, Wonnie,” Kihyun says, pushing a mug towards him, turning back to the stove. Hyungwon smiles lazily, coming up behind and pressing against him, hands slipping around his waist. His lips press against the top of his neck, trailing down.

 

Kihyun giggles, but cranes his neck away. “No distracting me while cooking,” he says, gesturing over to the table. “Go sit and wait.”

 

Sighing, Hyungwon pulls away, walking over to the counter where his tea sits.

 

He picks up the mug, getting green tea smell as he lifts it to his nose. He takes a small sip to confirm, grimacing at the taste. “When did I tell you I liked green tea?” he asks, looking over at Kihyun, who’s diligently stirring the eggs.

 

Kihyun looks at him, confusion lighting his expression. “What are you talking about, you always say that’s your favorite.”

 

“No, I didn’t-” Kihyun’s eyes makes Hyungwon stop, filled with a sudden dreadful realization, eyes drifting back down to the tea.

 

“No… that’s _my_ Hyungwon and you’re not him. O-oh my god, you’re not him,” Kihyun whispers, hands reaching up to his hair and pulling at it, eyes wide.  “Oh my god, I-”

 

“Kihyun, it’s okay. No, no, no, Ki, I like the tea. It’s fine, everything’s _fine_.” Hyungwon steps forward to try to calm him down, when suddenly the image of his hand stutters in front of his own eyes, causing his own stuttered scream and the mug to fall, crashing to the floor, tea spilling everywhere.

 

Kihyun gasps, jumping back while Hyungwon stares at his hand shock.

 

“I-” Hyungwon stutters nonsense, frozen.

 

_Glitches never last long._

 

Hands shaking, Kihyun stoops down to clean up the broken ceramic on the floor. Hyungwon crouches down, hoping to calm him, trying to pull away his hands so he’ll stop hurting himself. Kihyun flinches, pulling away from Hyungwon’s hands. His eyes look shocked. Scared.

 

“I thought you were him,” he whispers. “I really thought you were him.”

 

“Kihyun, it’s okay, let me clean this up,” Hyungwon cautiously moves towards him. Kihyun pulls away, shaking his head, and Hyungwon sees the walls going up, hiding Kihyun from his view.

 

Kihyun’s breathing starts to quicken, hands going up and fisting in his hair, pulling harshly at the roots.

 

“Can I be alone?” Kihyun’s voice is fragile, shaking like his hands. Hyungwon stares back, helpless. “Please?”

 

Reluctant, Hyungwon pulls away, leaving Kihyun and the broken shards on the floor. Before he leaves the kitchen he looks at his hands, the image of them vanishing before his eyes making his stomach clench.

 

“What just happened to me?” he asks, and Kihyun meets his eyes.

 

“You’re going home soon,” he says, and Hyungwon has never felt more pulled apart in his life.

 

~~

 

Kihyun reaches out to him in bed that night. “Hyungwon?” Kihyun calls and Hyungwon feels uncertain as he turns to look at the other. Kihyun grabs his hands, pulling so Hyungwon is closer.

 

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun whispers.

 

“Why are you sorry?” Hyungwon doesn’t know why he’s apologizing when Hyungwon’s so clearly at fault. Hoseok’s words scream in his head and he can no longer stay silent.

 

“I don’t know what I was thinking earlier, you shouldn’t have had to see that,” Kihyun says. He looks humiliated and Hyungwon shakes his head, guilt piling inside of him.

 

“Do you think I’m taking advantage of you?”

 

“What do you mean?” Kihyun’s brow furrows. “How would you be taking advantage of me?”

 

Hyungwon swallows, “You love your Hyungwon, and just because I’m another version of him I can make you say yes to things that you wouldn’t do otherwise.” _You even believed I was him._

 

“Don’t you love your Kihyun?”

 

Hyungwon halts, unprepared for the question. “What?”

 

“Well, couldn’t I just be doing the same thing to you?” Kihyun asks. “Taking advantage of your feelings for someone else, using you to get what I want?”

 

Hyungwon opens his mouth, but no words come out.

 

“We’ve already made the mistakes,” Kihyun reasons, he smiles slightly, but it’s tinged with sadness. “Let’s just have each other for as long as we can.”

 

It’s dangerous. It’s irresponsible. Hyungwon knows he’s already too attached. But just like Hoseok said Kihyun could never say no to him, he can’t say no to Kihyun either.

 

Hyungwon closes his eyes, hands reaching out and rubbing Kihyun’s side, resting his forehead against the other’s. “Okay,” he says, letting himself be pulled into Kihyun once more.

 

They fall into their familiar pattern, Kihyun’s insistence pulling Hyungwon along.

 

This time Kihyun begs him to leave bruises. Once again, Hyungwon can’t say no.

 

While they’re laying there after, with Kihyun smiling at him once more, sated and calm, Hyungwon disappears, his vision blinking out.

 

He’s only gone for a heartbeat, but when he comes back, Kihyun’s perfect afterglow has evaporated. Once again the solemn reminder of how little time they have left blankets around them, settling heavily over their naked bodies.

 

Kihyun looks fragile, barely covered by the rumpled sheets. Quiet brokenness seems to lurk in his eyes, prickling at Hyungwon’s heart.

 

It echoes the fear previously in Kihyun’s eyes, his words run through Hyungwon’s mind. _You’re going home soon._

 

Gently, like he’s trying to apologize for all the things he can’t control, Hyungwon pulls him up and into the bathroom, turning on the hot spray of the shower.

 

Kihyun watches him do it, clutching at his arms like he’s trying to make himself impossibly smaller. He’s fallen into silence, all emotions swallowed up inside.

 

“Come on, Kihyun-ah,” Hyungwon murmurs, putting a hand on the small of Kihyun’s back. Kihyun shivers, stepping into the gentle spray.

 

As Hyungwon washes them both he pretends not to notice the silent tears that drip down Kihyun’s face, letting them bend into the water drops. Kihyun isn’t talking right now, it isn’t a time to say anything.

 

Kihyun might be right. They could both be taking advantage of each other. However, Hoseok’s first point still remains - the one imbalance that leans everything to Hyungwon’s side. When he leaves he will still have Kihyun, but this Kihyun won’t have him and it’s in these moments of quiet grief he sees that more than ever.

 

~~~

 

He wakes up to Kihyun’s empty side of the bed. He should be used to it by now since Kihyun always manages to slip away in the hours that the light begins to filter through the window.

 

In the closet door, one of the ‘H’ boxes is pulled out, from its spot. It’s full of bulky sweaters, several on the top now unfolded like it was recently rummaged through. Hyungwon looks at it for a moment before venturing out of the bedroom.

 

Kihyun is sitting on the couch, cross-legged, looking down at the textbook in his lap. He’s in what Hyungwon can only assume is one of the sweaters from Hyungwon’s boxes because he looks like he’s swimming in blue fabric.

 

He receives a gentle smile when Kihyun looks up, lightening the weight in his chest from last night.

 

“I realized I’ve kind of been not going to class this whole week,” Kihyun says, hesitantly meeting Hyungwon’s eyes. Hyungwon chuckles, feeling more welcome to come over and settle down next to him.

 

“Hey, can we talk?” Hyungwon asks and the gentle glow around Kihyun seems to flicker.

 

“About what?” Kihyun asks, his grip on his textbook tightening.

 

“Are… will you be okay?” Hyungwon asks, pent up anxieties finally being voiced. “When I leave. Are you going to be okay?”

 

Kihyun looks down, fiddling with the pages. “Hyungwon, I…” He swallows, glancing back up at him. “I’ve lived without you before, I’ll just need to learn how to do it again.”

 

Kihyun attempts to give him a smile, but it trembles. Hyungwon’s throat clenches.

 

“I wish you didn’t have to,” he breathes and Kihyun looks away, small fists clenching.

 

“Can you promise me something?” Kihyun suddenly says.

 

“What?”

 

“Your Kihyun,” he starts, looking up Hyungwon. A strange hurt that he hasn’t seen before shines in his eyes. “Don’t let having each other go to waste. Don’t throw that away.”

 

Hyungwon thinks back to the Kihyun he’s going back to. His Kihyun. How it’s going to go back to the cameras, to being watched all day, to be risking everything for small moments.

 

However, Kihyun’s eyes hurt so badly that Hyungwon can’t deny him even the most impossible of promises. When he goes back, he can try. That much he can do.

 

“I won’t,” Hyungwon whispers.

 

Kihyun swallows, nodding. “Thank you,” he says, voice choked.

 

He leans forward against Hyungwon, resting his head against his shoulder. “I can’t believe I’m really going to lose you again.”

 

Hyungwon says nothing, but presses a kiss to Kihyun’s head, squeezing his eyes shut, wrapping an arm around him. To anyone listening he begs, _please be gentle with him. Please._

 

~~~

 

That evening he phases out for a full eight minutes, but for him, it feels like blinking. Except in one blink suddenly Kihyun’s not in front of him cooking dinner and humming the newest Twice song.

 

“Kihyun?” he calls out, walking out of the kitchen.

 

Kihyun is on the floor, back to the wall, knees pulled to his face. He looks up when Hyungwon steps out, relief tearing through his gaze and a sob erupting from his chest.

 

Hyungwon quickly moves over, crouching in front of him, brushing the tears from his cheeks with his long sleeves.

 

“I lied,” Kihyun cries. “I don’t know if I can do it again, Won-ah. I don’t _know_ -”

 

Hyungwon’s heart breaks, no words to pull Kihyun away from the edge. There’s no denying it. He’s going back. He’s going to leave Kihyun and return to his world. It’s only a matter of time.

 

“How long was I gone?”

 

“Too long,” Kihyun answers, more tears coming from his eyes. “I really thought you were gone.”

 

Hyungwon nods, wiping once again at the tears. “Come on,” he says, chiding gently. “Let’s get you off the floor.”

 

Hyungwon leads Kihyun to the couch, pulling the large blanket around him.

 

He falls down next to him, pulling the blanket around his shoulders. He puts his long arm over Kihyun’s shoulders, drawing the other in, trying to be present for as long as he can - hold him even if it’s only for a few more seconds.

 

Kihyun allows himself to be pulled, positioned, coddled. He seems to sink into the warmth that Hyungwon’s body offers him, wrapping an arm around the taller’s waist, head against his chest. Hyungwon doesn’t comment that it’s a little too tight.

 

A trail of dark bruises trails down Kihyun’s neck past the hem of his sweater. Hyungwon knows that they’re everywhere: on his wrists, his thighs, his stomach. He hopes that it can be enough for Kihyun for a few days. The reminder that he was here, that somewhere else he’s out there, living and breathing.

 

Kihyun reaches for Hyungwon’s free hand, taking the larger in his own and bringing it close. Hyungwon watches at Kihyun puts his palm against Hyungwon’s, the size difference very noticeable between Hyungwon’s large veiny hands and spindly fingers and Kihyun’s short chubby ones.  

 

Kihyun stares for some time, slowly lacing their fingers together like he’s trying to memorize how they fit together.

 

Pressed against each other, Hyungwon lets him feel how they match. How he was made for Kihyun to rest his head under his, how their legs press together, how Hyungwon’s lips feel on his neck, how his voice sounds in his ear.

 

Hyungwon presses his face into Kihyun’s curly hair, closes his eyes, and prays to stay so he can finally love the other without fear. He prays so that Kihyun doesn’t have to lose him a second time. He prays this can be enough.  

 

Hyungwon doesn’t stay past sunset.

 

He phases out permanently hours later while they’re both dozing on the couch, Kihyun finally calm and pliant in his arms, their eyes half-lidded and breathing slow. It feels like falling asleep, sudden yet unnoticeable by his own body.

 

Kihyun notices. He notices when he suddenly has no support or warmth against his side, face suddenly hitting the couch cushion. The blanket falls loosely around his small body and the emptiness of the room suddenly screams at him.

 

A crushing wave of sadness bears down on him. He knows this time is it. He’s lost him again. Kihyun clenches his eyes shut, a sob breaking his chest in half as his knees curl in and he pulls the blanket tighter.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t come back.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Subscribe to the series to see what happens next! Let me know if you liked it in the comments <3
> 
> Come yell at me for being so mean to Kihyun on Twitter: @
> 
> [lostnthedream](https://twitter.com/lostnthedream)


End file.
